I remember the weather…

I don’t think I will ever forget that moment my local doctor said I have cancer markers in my blood… I remember the weather, what I was wearing, what I was thinking while sitting there and what I did when I left that room! I didn’t want to believe it surely it couldn’t be happening again… the anxious wait between that moment and officially knowing what the cancer was, where it was and how bad it was felt like an eternity. I experienced all of this by myself as I chose not to share this information with anyone until I knew everything and what it meant for me. My Dad was dying on oxygen 24 hours a day I was his main carer while he battled Pulmonary fibrosis caused by asbestos waiting for a lung transplant, my kids were already struggling with my Dad being sick. My brothers weren’t really helping me at that stage I felt really alone I just couldn’t share it with anyone.

I had started radiation and was working full time and having radiation therapy every morning before I went into the office. I had my EA block my calendar as I battled alone with no one any wiser to what I was going through. My girlfriend organised a weekend away to Daylesford where we had spa treatments, drank wine, ate and relaxed. I was getting dressed on the Sunday morning when she seen my radiation markers all over my chest. I wanted to tell her all weekend trying to find the right time but it never came. She was the first person to know I think it was a good thing she didn’t really understand the severity of the situation at that point, the conversation wasn’t as hard as I anticipated it would be.

My Dad got a double lung transplant on Anzac Day which saved my Dad’s life, at that point I had almost completed the 10-week cycle of radiation. My Dad was in hospital about 3 weeks before he was cleared to come home. I had my first real check in with the Oncology team at the end of the treatment regime where they told me the cancer was growing faster than the radiotherapy could kill it. At this point my breast was so burnt that my nipple and surrounding skin was burnt and bleeding. The radiation was intense, and I was struggling to hide the side effects. The doctors said they needed to start chemotherapy I had dreaded that moment and the possibility of chemo since I found out I was sick.

I realised on the way home from the hospital that I couldn’t hide this from my family and friends any longer that I was obviously going to require support and help with my Dad and my boys. I told my three younger brothers together one night it was so hard because I knew what the reactions were going to be and how hurt and upset they were going to feel. I hadn’t told my Dad a thing he knew nothing and it was better this way, as I know he would have completely given up and would have wanted to focus all his energy into worrying about me. I then went on to meeting with my nearest and dearest and telling them what I had been battling and asking them to accept why I made the choices and decisions I did.

How was I going to tell my kids?? I wasn’t brave enough or strong enough to tell them I needed to protect them that was my job as their mother it’s a natural instinct to protect your young. I went along to the first couple of chemos where I managed to contain the side effects and said I had a virus.

Lochlan was 18 and my best mate I had rehearsed how I would tell him, what I would say and how I would comfort him and tell him it was going to be OK. But instead one afternoon I had just had chemo came home felt like shit and he was in a mood, typical young man was pushing my buttons. I snapped and lost it he was saying what is wrong with you lately your always grumpy. I screamed at him across the kitchen and said I have cancer that’s what wrong with me all in front of his girlfriend. I ran upstairs crying and couldn’t believe what I had just done. This wasn’t how I rehearsed it it’s not what I wanted to say… but the stress had built up so much I couldn’t contain it. So that night I told Noah who was 12years old at the time and dulled it down saying everything was under control. My boys were broken they had just been told their Mum has cancer, and all they know is cancer can kill you. Noah went into solution mode saying are you going to die do I need to go and live with Dad? At that moment it all hit home at the possibilities of this NOT being OK and the thought of I could die from this, but I sat there and said to my son I will be fine.

My hair has started to fall out by this point it was becoming harder to hide from the world. I still hadn’t accepted this was happening to me and I still blocked out the fact I was that girl with cancer, the single mother that was about to be bald fighting for her life. I didn’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me that would have been worse that the treatment itself! The rest is history really, here I am 15 months on the world knows I have cancer I sing it from the roof top in order to educate and support the people that are the supporters of people like me fighting the good fight to beat cancer!